IT’S open season on Lance Armstrong, the cyclist who was better than all the other drugs cheats in his sport. He had natural talent, drive, a cancer-survivor’s background story and better medical men and labs than the rest of the field. He cheated. The media,. Lance and the fans built his legend. Now we demand his shaming. The American who beat cancer and the French must be made to suffer, or at least look like he is:
Time for the jokes:
“Why did Lance Armstrong go on the Oprah Winfrey show? Because he thought he’d have a ball.”
“What is the secret of Lance Armstrong’s success? He always stays positive.”
Jon Stewart: “I believed in you Lance Armstrong. I shelled out a dollar for a rubber bracelet I have somewhere in my house. … Well I think we all owe cancer an apology.”
The Top Ten on the Late Show With David Letterman:
10. Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts
9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine
8. Owns Texas real estate known as “Rancho Decepto”
7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids
6. Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose
5. Also has tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife
4. Has given up on making the baseball Hall of Fame
3. United States Postal Service paid him in stamps
2. Started erotic website, “Tour-De-Pants”
1. Admitted to doping just to get on “Oprah”
“Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims. It would have been more convincing if he’d used a plane.”
“Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.”
“I can’t believe they’ve stripped Lance Armstrong of his titles – you try riding a bike on drugs!”
“BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA – (The Borowitz Report) – Infuriated by new allegations that he took performance enhancing drugs, bicycling legend Lance Armstrong lashed out at the press today, hurling a 2008 Hyundai Sonata at a reporter.”
“Apparently, Oprah asked Lance Armstrong if he’d do a blood test on the show. Armstrong said he’d be happy too but he’d left most of his blood at home.”
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